15 Things I wish I knew before getting married

Edit: This post was written several months ago but just now publishing.

I’ve been thinking a lot about marriage in general lately, possibly because I’ve been trying to finish an old season of Married at First Sight. I love that show. It shows so many issues that people deal with and yet it’s a fairy tale, always with hope in the end.

I went through some posts from before Cris and I went through our last rough patch and I felt a bit nostalgic. So many ups and downs in the last 15 years. I started thinking, what do I wish I had known before getting married?

Truthfully, in my life I’ve seen more marriages that suck than ones that don’t. And yet social media is all about how much they love their partner, and, while I know they do, I also know many of those same people have been cursed by abuse, infidelity, and heartbreak, which I’m also no stranger to.

I wish I could keep you from it all. I guess that’s why I’m writing this. So without further adu, here’s what I wish I could tell people who want to get married-

If I could tell someone what to look for in a life partner, it would these 5 qualities:

  1. Respect For Your Boundaries and Values
  2. Sexual Chemistry
  3. Healthy Self-Esteem and Self Awareness
  4. A Common Life Goal Or Goals
  5. A Person Who Practices Kindness And Compassion For Self And Others

So you found a partner?. Well before you jump in, here are the things I’ve found to be my most important lessons in my relationship. 15, one for each year I’ve been married.

15 things I wish I had known before marriage:

  1. Words mean nothing, actions mean everything.
  2. They aren’t gonna change, but they can grow.
  3. If you DON’T like who they are OR if they keep disrespecting you, then end it, better sooner than later.
  4. Don’t ever hold back your true thoughts and feelings, but do express them respectfully.
  5. It doesn’t always have to be someone’s fault, value solutions over blame.
  6. Sexual chemistry matters just as much as the other stuff.
  7. At the end of the day, we all want to come home to someone who is kind.
  8. Insecurity and fear can easily defeat love- if you let it. Addressing your insecurities and fears will make life, and your relationship, so much easier.
  9. If the same problems keep popping up, seek guidance. We weren’t all taught how to have a healthy relationship.
  10. You are two different people, you will disagree, get over it. It’s always ok to say “No”.
  11. Having a support system other than your partner is VERY IMPORTANT.
  12. Do what makes you happy and spread joy over your household from a place of fulfillment.
  13. Make life fun, it’s more important (to a relationship and in general) than you think.
  14. Marriage should be a home that you feel safe in.
  15. Love is not a feeling, it is a verb.

I hope some of this lands where it needs to. And I wish I could say my marriage is a perfect example, but that’s laughable. So for now I will say I wish you an amazing relationship, first and foremost with yourself.

With much love and encouragement,


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