Edit: Wrote this about 2 months after starting anti-depressants
Hello my beautiful readers! I’m sorry it’s been so long! I feel like I’m in the middle of a few cross roads in life and I’m really trying to figure out which way to turn.
I keep getting this feeling like I just want to go back to basics but I can’t stop myself from starting all these new projects just to abandon them within a week and then pick them up again a couple weeks later. Focusing has been difficult. And yet my mood is always…regular? Constant. The same. Like my lack of focus and my mood are somehow separate which would not have been the case beforehand. Now that the emotional part of my brain is (for the most part) no longer chemically imbalanced, thanks to anti-depressants, everything just seems so… even.
Today I looked back at some of my notes from last year and I had so many things that I wanted to write about. Really good ideas actually. I miss my enthusiasm. I really wish I could spew the strong positive feelings that I did in many of my earlier posts. It feels like I traded one thing for another. But along with the high moods came the severe low moods.
It’s like my life is me before anti-depressants and me after. Before was constant tears of either extreme joy or extreme sadness, and “my life is over!” one minute and the next minute wondering how on earth God allowed me to have such a magnificent existence. I was in a constant state of anxiety that I didn’t realize was anxiety until it was over because I was “high functioning”. And worst of all, I was tired ALL the time, literally just doing the dishes would wear me out for the day, and try feeling like that when you have 4 kids to care for. I’m talking I was out of breath and would fall right to sleep just by resting my head for a second.
Now life is like -I get through the day with a few laughs and a few minor annoyances. I don’t really feel guilt or extreme sadness anymore, which may seem like a plus but actually feels quite odd. Especially the no guilt part. And in this I learned something quite shocking- guilt does not equal empathy! Nor does it equal action, or give you merit, so it’s pretty much a useless emotion lol. Anyways…
The best part of this new chapter, is the ENERGY! I can get up in the morning and finish all my chores and still have the energy to play with the kids and do more stuff before bed. Quite addicting to have this energy. Truthfully, life has become so much easier.
That being said, while I know I made the right decision for my role as a mother, I definitely have to get used to the fact that a part of me is, well…dormant. That’s the thing about life decisions- there isn’t always an all around perfect answer, we just have to pick the choice that seems like the best option. Much like we were told to do on middle school quizzes. I guess my anti depressants are the bubble with the letter C on it- most likely the best answer.
With much love and encouragement LC Venegas, XOXO
Disclaimer: This is my personal experience with starting anti-depressants while seeing a therapist and may not represent what others experience.