Hello my beautiful readers! So today’s post is a spontaneous share. I started to write earlier but of course got distracted by my lovely children and incredibly messy house. I haven’t been up to doing much besides resting so the house is in definite disarray. I should mention that I’ve been dealing with some health issues that, though minor, have really taken a toll on me. To deal I’ve mostly been watching Netflix and sleeping a lot. I’ve been agitated and burnt out. I finally decided to do something about it and saw my doctor yesterday, which brings us to today’s post.
When you have depression one of the first things doctors do is ask if you want to take anti-depressants. I usually say no. I guess I always think I can handle it without them, unless it’s really bad, and I have taken them when things were really bad. But this time, my depression is not so bad, it’s just… not going away. Along with my health concerns, I have a bunch of other stuff going on that’s been stressful, and too much stress aggravates depression. I know how to fight my depression so I’ve been able to keep myself from going down the rabbit hole again, and I kind of got to this state where everything is almost neutral but still slightly leaning towards the negative. When the doctor asked this time I said no,..then I said, yes.
As I was speaking to my doctor my mind wandered to my kids. Every day they see a mother who just isn’t happy. I get happy, sometimes for months at a time. Then I get sad, sometimes for months at a time. Sadness does not accurately describe depression, but that’s what my kids see. A mom who is happy and motivated and encouraging and positive… for awhile. And then they see a mom who is agitated and sluggish and discouraged and negative. I thought to myself, “What if they don’t have to see that anymore? What would their lives be like?.. What would mine be like?” Battling my depression takes up a lot of my time and, more importantly, energy. I noticed that one of my kids in particular is starting to mimic some of my depression patterns. But giving up my depression isn’t as easy as it sounds. Will I lose my creativity? Will I become a zombie, without opinion or feeling? Will I be unable to relate to people that I once related to? Will I be stuck in some kind of false, idyllic world where everything is perfect, when in reality, the world is falling apart? Of all these things I am not sure. But I’ve gotten to a point where I’m just tired. I want to be who I am on my best days, every day (well almost every day because even anti depressants have their limits). I want to be able to sing a happy song and relate to it.
Right now, I’m dealing with a lot of small stressful things that add up and overwhelm me. And change is slow this season. I also have a lot of amazing ideas and a desire to put those things into reality. I need my best self right now. She hasn’t been around for awhile. And if anti-depressants help bring her back then I’m willing to take them.
I see her in my daydream, sitting on a park bench on a cloudy day, sipping on some tea, black boots, hair down, laughing at me. Like, yeah I’ve been waiting on you to call me! So, Best Self, called upon you are, I’m ready!
Have any tips for being at your best? Let me know in the comments!
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