Hello amazing readers :). So… yes, I changed my mind. I actually changed my mind awhile back but, I honestly just wasn’t up for writing. So much has happened in the last few months that really had a horrible effect on my self-esteem. I tried to write again and again but it was quite difficult for me to write without turning into a mess. I wrote the excerpt below at one point when I was trying to continue the blog and it describes what I was feeling in that moment.
“I really wish I could tell you how great my life is going. I wish I could tell you how good I’m feeling about myself. I wish I could tell you that I didn’t feel like a failure. I wish I could tell you how thankful I am for everything. But that would not accurately describe my reality right now. The truth is, I’m feeling confused, worried, and that my self-esteem is in the trash. The truth is, I don’t know if by 2021 my world will completely turn upside down or stay exactly the same- and I don’t know which is worse. The truth is I want to leave and go far, far away and not come back for a month AT LEAST. Maybe tomorrow I will feel differently. Maybe next week things will be looking up. But right now I just don’t feel like myself.”
UghI just don’t want to get into all that right now to be honest. So let’s take a breath and come back to right now- the present moment. It’s 5:14am on a Sunday morning. I know what you’re gonna say, why am I up that early on a Sunday? Well obviously… I have no idea. I must have fallen asleep early last night or something, I didn’t check the time but I vaguely remember by husband staring at me with this goofy face and I’m all, “What’s wrong?” and he’s all, “You’re snoring in my face”, and I was thinking- why tf is he on my side of the bed?? Then I woke up next to my two year old and he kept annoyingly trying to cram himself into the space between the wall and the bed. After several times adjusting his little body that feels gigantic, I finally wedged a pillow between him and the wall and crept out of bed thinking it was around 6 or even 8am. I looked at my phone to realize it was 4something and I’m wide awake. Outside is still dark. I have a nervous energy about me. I wonder if it’s the weather, or maybe the stars aren’t aligned in my favor today, because generally waking up early makes me feel like life is hot chocolate and toast with all the butter. If there’s one thing I know today, it’s that changes need to be made.
This year I hope to regain some of the confidence that I lost in these last couple of months. I want to learn to stay consistent in pursuing my passions. I want to feel good about the life I choose to live, I want to feel empowered.
I don’t know what 2021 has in store for me, but what I do know is that I will try to be a good mother every day, I will try to heal anything that holds me back from being my best self, and I will treat others with respect and integrity.
I’m wishing you all the best this year!
With much love and encouragement, LC xoxo
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