This is a spontaneous post. I had been waiting on writing another post, waiting to write a “Marriage Update” post, where I could talk about how we talked it out and everything was all like “Valentine’s Day is every day!” like corny people say, bleh. Don’t worry, talk we did. But we are still processing. Anyway since my last post I’ve felt really down and since I want to be honest about my depression, and I have a “desperate need to reflect” as stated in one of my previous posts, I decided to write candidly. Going into a depressive state is like falling into a rabbit hole that spirals. You don’t know how long till you hit rock bottom and, when you’re aware, you try to cling to whatever object you can to try and stop yourself midway and climb back out. Some of the objects you cling to make you fall faster. Then it’s like when Alice in Wonderland drinks those little bottles because she’s trying to get to the right size but all of sudden she grows and grows- depression also grows and grows. You have to keep searching for the right bottle (or was it cake?) so you can try to feel normal again, but then you just realize that sometimes you’re Alice and sometimes you’re the Mad Hatter which is even more depressing.
But let’s talk about today. Right now is 4:01am. I feel very sick, most likely from eating half a loaf? of cookie dough earlier when I was feeling even more depressed than I am right now. Yes, I emotionally eat and it’s a horrible habit I picked up from days when the only vice I had was a candy bar because I was broke and everything was shitty. I am working on that. Back to earlier, the whole day felt off after I got home from running a few errands. I pretty much did nothing all day besides hold and feed the baby. I felt tired. My husband got home and seeing my bad mood got into his aggressive talking which is when he’s upset but tries to hold it in and yells polite sentences. This made me feel even more down. He then cleaned the whole house, and despite the fact that I now have dirty, unfolded laundry stuffed in all our drawers, at least it looks clean. Even this could not lift my mood. I decided to take a hot shower and get a good nights rest. Unfortunately the water was cold and the baby tossed and turned all night and by 2:45am I was wide awake. I finally got out of bed and sat on the couch in my bathrobe contemplating when my next nervous breakdown is going to occur and if I am pregnant again.
God, help me.
And that’s what brought me to this moment, sitting at my computer, writing, getting up to grab the baby every hour or so and put him back to sleep. Today was another bad day and I don’t usually like to write when I’m having a bad day. See my spiritual side says, “Pause.” My spiritual side says, “What is this teaching you?” My spiritual side says, “Do all things with love for yourself and others”. But my human side is screaming. My human side is saying, “SHUT THE FUCK UP! Spiritual Side”. My human side is saying, “I’m fucking angry and I need to express myself”. My human side is saying, “I’m tired”. Tired of this house where everything is forever breaking down. Tired of having to spend more time with people I don’t even like that much than with my own family. Tired of always being the bigger person. Tired of breathing and not lashing out. People might think finding peace is easier than not but it takes a lot of energy not to lash out, not to give in to your anger and depression, not to yell, and blame, and throw things. Being peaceful and spiritual is like the slow benefits of healthy eating, you get all radiant after a year, but giving in to your negative emotions is like eating the chocolate cake- instant gratification. I still remember this moment 12 years ago when I threw a bottle of nail polish on the ground and the sound of the glass shattering was so satisfying even though it scared me because I honestly hadn’t even meant to throw it, but back then my emotions had severe control over my life. Not like now. Now when I can choose to “Pause” if I want to.
And so in a way I did pause. Even though I was angry, and tired, and depressed. In the middle of the night, instead of yelling at my husband, or destroying things as I have been known to do in the past, or setting the house on fire, I did what any sane millennial would do when they have a problem. I googled it. Luckily my depression this time has served me what I’ll call an illusion of being stuck. With an extra large side of fatigue, anger, and disdain for everything around me. It’s a mild case, as it mostly is for me these days. Much preferred to the feelings of severe emptiness, unbearable hopelessness, and sadness with excessive crying spells and suicidal thoughts. But I don’t want to feel stuck anymore. I ended up coming across quite a few articles about how to change your life when you feel stuck. None of these helped. I am the queen of changing things I don’t like about myself. My problems often come because something I cannot change has arrived. Then I came across an article by Tinybuddha https://tinybuddha.com/blog/feel-stuck-life-secret-dealing/ . It talked about how we feel stuck because we are trying to change things that can’t or aren’t meant to be changed. This resonates well. This gave me something new to contemplate. My therapist has been trying to get this through my head for awhile. She says, “How can you respond to it?” when I have a problem and I’m trying so hard to fix it but I’m just not getting anywhere. Maybe today the answer to that is, “I don’t”.