It’s 10:58pm and my 8 year old daughter is sitting next to me on her tablet. I should tell her to go to sleep but I don’t really want to risk waking up the baby and anyways what are summers for, right? I feel a new kind of exhausted with all 4 kids home on summer break. The oldest is on vacation abroad and I miss the extra set of hands to hold and comfort the younger ones. The baby was sick since Thursday and even though he’s been sleeping through the night again finally, my body keeps me awake. Maybe it’s the late nights and lack of sleep but I’ve been feeling nostalgic lately. When I turned on my computer screen tonight the automated random image it showed was of a sunrise in Italy, and I realized I haven’t watched a sunrise in the longest. Like most people, I love sunrises though sunsets used to be my favorite. The scent of dusk used to bring excitement. Now it brings both the comforting idea of sleep and the angst of not being able to.
I wasn’t sure if I was going to do anymore farm life updates but as usual life took me on an unexpected turn when spring came and for the first time since being here (nearly two years), it almost feels like home.
I’ve started to feel a sense of peace with living this life, even gratitude, even taken a liking to things I said I never would. My views and goals have changed. I’ve developed an interest in homesteading and permaculture. I enjoy the simplicity of the lifestyle, which I used to despise. It gives me more time to focus on what’s in front of me, to be present, which has never come naturally. I’ve even reached out and attempted to make friends around here, instead of just bitching about my isolation which has been my biggest complaint.
I will say it’s still hard to focus. The house still needs a freaking MOUNTAIN of work and it feels so unsettling to me. In my ideal world we would sell this house and get one better suited to our family, within a few blocks so I don’t have to uproot the kids from their community again…but it’s not in the cards right now.
However, my husband has seemed to put in so much more effort to make things comfortable for me which has made a world of difference. For example he’s been working more on the inside of the house. Adding pieces of furniture and art work here and there, he installed a barely used dishwasher the other day (we aren’t really “buy new” type of people). One of the biggest factors was when he finished our boys rooms. I felt so proud of his work. It made me feel like I can breathe here.
It’s bittersweet to be honest. He calls me “high maintenance” and “demanding” now, since I’m rarely willing to compromise these days. It seems to work for me lol. But while he loves a strong woman, I don’t always feel like one. And it has me wondering what happens when I can’t be strong, will he let me down again? During a particular vulnerable conversation I was finally able to put into words what I’d been feeling for a long time,
“I feel like you took advantage of me when I wasn’t strong enough to stand up for myself and the things I needed”.
It hurts to write that about the single most important person in your life, the one who is supposed to be there after your babies grow up and leave you to form their own families. In my head I often blame his mother for not showing him how to cherish his wife, but I know she taught him all she knew and I can’t blame her for that. Today’s post talks about the negative and there will be posts that talk about the positive, so let’s keep things in perspective. He was obviously upset about what I said. In a predictable pattern he became defensive at first, then softened and apologized. Why bring this up now when we are in a good place? I think it just took me this long to process things. After moving here and all I was going through, he was there for me, but he happened to have dropped the ball on a few VERY important things. He said he just gets so focused on other things that he forgets. Forgets what you ask? Forgets me… and I don’t like being forgotten.