Happy Friday guys! I hope you’ve had a fulfilling week and are ready for some relaxation, or if this isn’t your Friday, I hope work is going well and you haven’t had any shit heads cramping your style lol. I want to get this blog up to date on my life so we can get on to more exciting things but I feel like its important to tell the whole story here, so here it is.
|A portrait of me pregnant with my third child, painted by my husband.|
Almost Divorced Part 2:
So we left off last week when I was in place where I was pregnant, depressed, and my husband was ignoring me. Not necessarily purposely but the result was the same. I felt abandoned and to be honest at times I still do. I think this is just part of how we are different people. I’m the type that enjoys lots of attention, he’s the type that doesn’t give it. At times I feel repelled by him, pushed away, he gets frustrated. That’s part of marriage sometimes. I know where we started and I’m not trying to scare anyone away from marriage. Let’s be clear, we started at the bottom. The bottom like the ocean floor, where it was dark, we didn’t know our way, and there weren’t any directions. Falling behind, no matter how far you’ve come, is just part of the deal if you happen to be people like us. If you’re single, take note- a person who feels whole, who feels acceptance of themselves and others, who feels that inner joy we all seek, AND makes decisions based on that, they will have an easier experience with marriage. That’s not what I felt before marrying or directly after, it’s something I still seek. As I tell my kids when they have to learn some tough life lesson, I’m not saying it’s right or wrong, I’m saying that’s just the way it is.
So what’s a woman who loves self-help to do when she finds herself in a situation like this? Well, after ordering an excessive number of relationship and self-love books on Amazon, seek out a counselor of course!
Part 2 A: Counseling
After reaching out to a few therapists, I was referred to someone who could see me. I’ve seen other counselors/therapists and it was for the most part all the same. It felt like they saw me as some whiny woman who just needed to take on more responsibility, as if I wasn’t taking on enough. That things would get better if I knew a few tricks on communication. Seriously, things I learned in customer service training. They thought I was stupid. Gave me books that said “if I said sorry first”, used “I feel statements”, “looked on the positive side”, and all the usual cliché crap meant for people who are just a little stressed or having communication issues, my relationship and life would get better. My pain wasn’t validated, I had one therapist who, when I said I never felt confident or secure, tell me, “Well I think everyone feels like that”, and change the subject. The fact that I had issues surrounding domestic violence, alcoholism, and sexual abuse, never came up because I was put into a box before they sought to understand me. This time when I walked into the office and had my first session, I felt like I found someone who understood me from the get go. This was the first time I walked into a therapists office and felt like she knew how to “fix” me. It seemed to me that to her, I was straight out of a text book, but in a good way. She was a masters level intern, and I remember her saying or me reading that she had a focus on chemical dependency. Since I’ve never had issues personally with chemical dependency, I’ve never done drugs, or drank to excess without being able to stop- I almost decided to not go through with the appointment and find someone else. But there was one thing I hadn’t thought of, even though I personally didn’t struggle with chemical dependency, very important people in my life did. I grew up around it. And the effects of that, my friend, as pushed deep, deep down as they were, were starting to affect me. Actually they had been affecting me for my whole life, and since we’ve gotten off track, to bring it full circle- it was affecting my marriage, and my health.
Part 2 B: Midwife
At about the 4 month mark, my husband insisted I see a doctor for my pregnancy. That’s correct. I refused to go for prenatal care. I never had horrible prenatal care but I did find it invasive on some level. I had slight hypertension with my last two pregnancies, nothing to worry about, but it did result in lots of extra prenatal visits and extra needle pokes. My last two doctors were great. The one for my first son not so much- very nice, but always late and in a rush. Checked heart beat, ran out of room. Not the best experience when your 19 and have no idea what you’re doing. Believe me, you’d want the super loving mothering (but not judgemental!) type who gives you lots of encouragement and advice, in case anyone has a pregnant teenager around them looking for an ob. The birth of my first child was also shitty, staff was shitty, doctor was shitty. Second child, a dream with an epidural, and super calm staff. Third child, well lets just say I almost didn’t make it to the delivery room, and it was traumatic for me. Many women looovve the fact that they gave birth naturally without any medication. I did not. I wanted my epidural and to have an easy labor like the last time. But my body took over and decided I would not do that. See not being able to control things is something that’s very hard for me to deal with. However my body also recovered very quickly after the birth without epidural. And so with my husbands insistence on me NOT giving birth alone at home, I decided to book an appointment with a midwife. I wanted control over my body this time. She wasn’t going to decide for me that I would give birth naturally, I was going to beat her to it. I also figured they wouldn’t insist on unnecessary pokes and visits. I’d heard it was more relaxed, like being in your own home. I’d also jumped on the all natural band wagon in the last few years- no more processed foods, or chemical cleaning products etc. And after giving birth naturally with my third, I’d started to follow birthing blogs on Instagram, I wanted to know what happened to my body the day of my third child’s birth. Why was nothing like I’d read? Why did they tell me to stop pushing as if I had a choice? Why did she come so fast when labor was supposed to take hours? Why did I have such an easy recovery after a third child and being almost 30, compared to my 19 year old self? I learned a lot, and all signs pointed to midwife. So I went in. I was in tears almost always at this point and I knew pregnancy hormones had a bit, ok maybe a lot, to do with it. She asked me if I was comfortable starting care so far along. Yes, don’t care, depression. I told her I had problems with depression. She told me to take vitamin D and fish oil. If I didn’t believe a vitamin deficiency could harm your well being, I believed it now. Within days of taking my fish oil and vitamin d, my crying spells were pretty much over. I was able to get through a day without having suicidal thoughts, and I actually could enjoy the fact that I was creating life. I had told my husband at one point that I hated the fact that I was pregnant and I didn’t want the baby. That feeling went further and further away as my belly grew. I was able to communicate with my husband again. I told him how hurt I felt that he had abandoned me for some crazy farm life dream. But this time, I was able to tell him how I felt without lashing out, crying, or wanting to kill myself. Part of my newfound ability was the vitamins, most of it was the therapist. I feel good now, with zero complications, besides constant heart burn and an unfortunate case of sciatica (pain affecting the back, hip, and leg area). And we found out, we’re having another boy. It was my dream that my son would have a little brother and now he will, should all go according to plan. Today, I’m 38 weeks pregnant and I have my birthing class in two hours. My body and I will work together this time, the only way I can truly have control is to trust her isn’t it? She could decide to do a 180 and give me complications, but my guess is she won’t. I’ll be giving birth in room that looks more like a honeymoon suite than a hospital room, with a giant Jacuzzi and ruffle-y pillows. I’ll know what’s coming and have people there that trust my body, because we know there will be moments in there that I won’t. I can say that my baby is coming home to a healthy mother. So, even though my crying spells are dealt with, I’m crying now, tears of gratitude.
So that’s how I dealt with being “almost divorced”. I sought help. And I didn’t give up when one or two, or three counselors didn’t get me. I told my midwife that I was depressed and needed help. I’m so grateful for that. There’s a quote I read recently that said “Don’t live as if everything is happening TO you, but live as if everything is happening FOR you” or something like that. That everything is happening to bring you closer to your authentic self. I had depression because I shoved my pain down too deep, I tried to move ahead in my life, pretending I was fine, when my inner self needed me to stop and focus on HER and her PAIN and tell her it was ok to feel it and I still loved her. And when I wouldn’t, I got pregnant. Pregnancy simply isn’t something you can ignore and it forces you to feel and be in your body. My marriage issues, the same. Everything that happened stopped me in my tracks, life was practically screaming in my face that something was very wrong and you’re too old to keep ignoring it, because it will get worse. I feel like I hate the farm often, but I might not have found this therapist if I didn’t live here. She helped me understand why I didn’t feel like I was living my own life, why I always felt like something was missing, why I was so sad and it never went away. It’s been a reflective 5 months from the time I decided to see her and my midwife, complete with lot’s of crying, lot’s of things I’d never said out loud but finally did. And lot’s of reading, my favorite past time. Books my therapist recommended that were actually helpful this time (I’ll list below). I learned about co dependency, radical acceptance, boundaries, trust, vitamins…lol. And lots more. AND I’m not done with working on myself, maybe I’ll never be and that’s ok ❤.
If you’ve had experience with depression and pregnancy&marriage, or just feeling low in general, I’d love to hear your story. Leave me a comment down below!
Things that helped 🙂
Disclaimer- I took these vitamins because they were cheap and easy to find, I don’t remember the exact brands recommended. I also took a prenatal, iron, and magnesium, however I am just posting the ones specific to my depression. Never take any medications without consulting your doctor, especially during pregnancy!