Long time no talk… I seriously didn’t mean to be gone this long. I actually truly missed my 60 or so readers that I get every month lol. I can’t wait to look back on this post in a year or so and see how much this blog has (hopefully!) grown. Even though I don’t get many comments here it really is a blessing to have somewhere to focus my energy and desperate need to share my self reflection. I’m sorry for abandoning you Woman With Babies💔.
So if you happen to be wondering where I’ve been, get ready because it’s a looong story.
I feel I’ve been fairly transparent about my marriage, home life, and depression. If not, here it is in a nutshell. Two latinos from South Seattle got married young, had some serious marital issues, were too stubborn to get divorced, added a bunch of kids to the mix, then moved to a small farm just outside of Tacoma, WA.
Husband- money loving and emotionally unavailable
Wife- self-help loving, emotionally explosive
Both-love their kids and wanted something better
We’ve worked on it…and worked on it…and worked on it…AND WORKED ON IT!!!! So to get to the point- No. We’re not getting divorced. Sorry, we came too far, and after 12 years sometimes you just get locked in on improving, and then there’s that whole pesky love each other thing. To be honest there are truly some days that I physically can’t say I love you or I love my husband, but I can always say I care about him, I want to have a future together, and I know he truly does have good intentions, even if they are hidden somewhere deep, deep, deep inside 😒.
I know they are there because in the end, he always comes through for me and the kids. And I’m not easy to deal with either. Believe me, I’ve been in counseling most of my life, more on that later. In any case, I don’t know what’s right or wrong in marriage when it comes to the grand scheme of things and when I die I don’t know how I’ll be judged on it. But I feel like there are at least a few things that we’ve done that I’m proud to pass on to my children. So anyhow, here’s why I’ve been MIA:
Almost Divorced PART 1:
So now, why did we ALMOST get divorced over pygmy goats? Why was that the grain of rice that almost tipped the scale?? If you’re somewhat self aware you know that rarely is something that’s bothering you the real reason it’s bothering you. For example, I hate how my mother buys my kids expensive gifts, I want her to stop. But it’s not the gifts that are the problem, it’s my fear that she is living in lack, my fear that she will not have enough, my feeling of responsibility for her, when it really comes down to it- my disappointment in myself that I cannot provide for her. Deep breath, yes it’s hard to dig deep isn’t it? Processing… Ok getting off topic.
Throughout my blog I’ve hinted here and there, or maybe even outright said (can’t think about specifics right now), that I hate it here. I mean-ummmm…it’s not my cup of tea. You know, all the farm animals, and living in the middle of nowhere, and poop, and fixer upper houses, and yards filled with junk. This JUST AIN’T ME, ya feel me? But I came along anyway, because my husband loves it. I made that decision. And I was determined to look on the bright side, at least for a little while. I can be very analytical and can always find the good side of things. And I can always find something I love wherever I’m at, I’m a libra, go figure. But then, see, the pygmy goats, they just got to me. They poop on my doorstep EVERY SINGLE MORNING, they destroy things I was storing outside, they get out the gate and my friendly neighbors are constantly texting, calling, or coming up to my door to let me know those F&*%ing goats got out AGAIN!!! Then one day my mood just fell. All that bullshit positivity I’d been masking myself with, it was nowhere to be found. I cried every day, even in front of the kids. My husband didn’t get it. He has what my counselor calls “obsessive personality”- once he’s in, he’s in and that’s that. It’s like he’s laser focused and he goes into survival mode and can’t be bothered with anything other than what he’s focused on, not even his wife’s depression. It was at this time I just couldn’t write anymore. I knew this feeling, very familiar. If you’ve been in the dark abyss of depression before, real clinical depression, you’ll understand. There were no starbucks runs, hugs from the kids, or talks with bff’s that could treat my bad moods, lack of emotion, or crying spells. I was depressed, and surprise surprise… I was also pregnant, with baby number 5.