Not A Mom, But A Woman, With Babies.

” Moms don’t make mistakes, they don’t do things they wouldn’t want their children to do, they stay in abusive relationships “for the sake of the children”, they cook healthy and delicious meals daily, they have perfectly clean and organized homes, they fix things, fix EVERYTHING, make things better, they teach, nurse back to health, oh and have full times jobs, in or outside the home, they are wise and soft and pretty, but not too pretty, and not full of themselves, but confident, always a good example, and definitely don’t depend on anyone because these days a mom can do it all.”

Exhale mama, you’ll pull through.

This is the point of view from the inside of all my insecurities about “who I should be as a mom”. Its what I grew up with, and what I was taught, intentionally or unintentionally, and I haven’t even gotten deep yet, whoa.

The thing is, since the day I became a mother I was stuck with this identity that was being “a mom”. I’ve struggled with depression, relationship crisis, family drama, shattered career dreams, frustration in unachieved goals and plans. Its like I had this whole other life I was neglecting because my life was trying to be this image of who a mom was and WHO I WAS always took second place… actually, it didn’t even make the list. I wasn’t living in balance.

Then one day I just snapped. It was a bad time, complete with tears and marriage separation and anti depressants and a year of numbness that left me without any attachment to my children or anything really, but I was still going through the motions.

It’s crazy looking back on it now in retrospect. I went to counseling which I didn’t really give a long enough time to help. Then I somehow just let go. I wanted to have fun again, to FEEL again. I almost wish I could say that was the answer, but it was more of a starting point, and I wasn’t as responsible as I could have been. But it helped. I missed my kids and my husband made huge changes to bring us back together.

That was a few years ago and its been a journey. I went through the honey moon stage of balance where everything seemed perfect, I’ve fallen back into old habits, I’ve been too selfish at times. I’ve had countless realizations. I heard someone talk recently about how someone (let me know who) said you can’t connect the dots forward, you can only connect the dots backward. My depression, my marriage crisis, my shattered career goals, and unmet plans, it never started with motherhood.

Motherhood was the scapegoat- the one thing I could focus on so much that I didn’t have to deal with the unhealed parts of my soul.

I didn’t have to remember that I was a person with very real human experiences, traumas, and feelings. I could focus on this image that I could strive to become instead of just being what I am, which is a woman, who happens to have babies.

Me, on a good day, with our littlest one. When I originally wrote this post I had no idea another baby was in our future.

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